Belonging is a basic human need.
Children crave acceptance and approval. As adults, we really just want the same.
To feel like we’re worthy.
Like we matter.
Like we’re enough.
But, for many of us, we learned as young children to connect our sense of worth to external validation of our successes. “Oh wow! What a lovely drawing! You’re such a good little artist!” or “A 95%! What a smart boy you are!”
While the adults in our lives mean well (and we, as adults mean well when we do this), as children, this association can develop into a pattern of perfectionism. We learn to set the bar really high and to self-criticize at the smallest fluctuation from the goal.
The inner critic can get down-right nasty.
She knows all our deep fears and which buttons to push to keep us feeling stuck, small, safe.
Yes, she wants to keep us safe. You see, her role is actually protective: if you don’t take action, you won’t make a mistake or fail again, and you won’t expose yourself to inevitably painful emotions.
So, first, take a minute to thank our inner critic for wanting to protect us from suffering. She works hard at what she does and she deserves some validation.
And, we can also help to soothe her. To let her know that, even though she’s trying to protect us, by being hyper-critical she’s actually causing us some harm she’s trying to avoid.
Soothe the inner critic with this simple tool
Find a picture of yourself from your childhood and place it somewhere you often look. A class photo or a candid shot. It doesn't matter. The only important thing is that it be a picture you like of yourself. A picture that makes you smile when you look at it.
When you find yourself being hyper-critical of yourself because of a mistake you made or a bad hair day, get the picture and look at it. Talk to the picture, to that younger version of you, about what you are thinking.
Chances are your tone and words will change.
Why this works…
Most of us recognize that children are innocent, sensitive souls. We are more patient with, and understanding of, an curious, still-developing child. We’ve been conditioned to believe that, as adults, we should be beyond the experimenting stage. And that’s total BS!
Life’s all about continuing to ask questions, test out hypotheses to answer them, review what happened, and adapt for next time. Or, as my friend Concetta says: forming, storming, performing, reforming.
Every time you shame and blame yourself as an adult, you are simultaneously shaming and blaming your inner child. And that is extremely hurtful for both of you. It’s traumatic.
If you find it hard to break the pattern of self-criticism, this exercise can help take your conditioning out of the equation while you practice self-soothing, nurturing techniques with your child self. And identify creative, innovative next steps to move adult you forward.
I mean, really, could you berate this face?
We both are here cheering you on,
