When I ask people want they want in life, one of the most common responses I hear: “happiness.”
I want to be happy.
I want to feel happy.
We’ve been conditions to seek happiness. But what does “happiness” mean?
“I’ll know I’m happy when I feel it.”
Here’s the irony: as humans, we’re biologically programmed to remember negative experiences more than the positive ones. Which makes sense, really.
Your brain’s #1 job is to keep you safe and, since the beginning of human development, the world has been filled with more things that will hurt us than things that protect us.
It’s why babies don’t usually like broccoli or spinach the first time they try it: This green stuff is BITTER! Will it kill me? I’m not going to take another bite until I’m 1000% sure it’s safe.
It’s also why babies experience stranger anxiety: Who the fork is this weird person who’s sticking their face too close to mine and speaking nonsense? Can I trust them?
So, if you remember the bad feelings and experiences more than the happy ones, you’re completely normal! There is nothing wrong with you.
You’re wired to feel unhappy.
Wait, a minute, Marisa. You said this blog post is about a predictor of happiness but now you’re telling me I’m wired to feel unhappy? WTF?
Stick with me….
You see, I saw these statistics in an article the other day:
• 1 in 5 adolescents in the United States has a mental illness.
• Nearly 1 in 3 of all adolescents ages 13 to 18 will experience an anxiety disorder.
There are more high school and college-age kids living in the US with anxiety or mental illness than there were during the Depression!
The statistics make my heart hurt.
My scientist’s training tells me that there could be some bias in the data. Especially in comparing our lives now to people living during the Depression. They had just come off a world war. They likely didn’t have the vocabulary or cultural norms to talk about their feelings in the same way we do now.
But, even if only 1 in 100 teens suffered emotional health problems, my heart would still hurt. And, as a mother of a 2 boys entering tween and teen years, one of the things that keeps me up at night is their mental health.
And I’m reminded of my own experience. I remember how hard it was to be a teenager. Navigating the rough seas of Hormone Ocean aboard the SS Please Like Me heading towards Who Am I Island.
(Ok, maybe I shouldn’t be listening to Enya while I writing this blog post required some easy listening and Sail Away is one of my favorite songs!)
I remember the first time I sat in the guidance counselor’s office at school, I was 11.
The first time I was saw a clinical psychologist, I was 22.
Since then, I’ve incorporated practices like yoga and meditation, Emotional Freedom Technique (aka Tapping), breathwork, and a host of other modalities to reduce my anxiety and depression.
Life is a challenging journey and I know very few adults who willing go back and be teens again.
Especially a teen nowadays. Between all the “normal” peer and academic pressures we faced back in the day, kids today also have to face cyberbullying and fear of gun violence. The over-dependence on tech and addictive quality of social media and video games has been associated with increased rates of loneliness and technology-induced attention deficit disorder (yes, that’s a real thing).
So, we worry about all the things:
- We worry about not being “good enough” and making mistakes that will forever mess them up.
- We worry we’re not planning enough activities to stimulate their minds and we worry we’re over-stimulating them.
- We worry we’re not spending enough time with them and we worry that we’re giving them too much attention and being over-protective.
- We worry about how to keep them safe and how to let them make their own mistakes.
And, sometimes, we even worry that we’re worrying too much!
I saw the statistics and I wanted to know: what can I do, as a parent, to help my children so I feel like I’m doing something other than just worrying?
So, I did what most of us do now: I went down the rabbit hole of Google. And, because I really wanted to know what the research showed, I limited myself to Google Scholar.
Let them know they matter.
And I found an article (a book excerpt, actually) that said that, according to longitudinal studies on child development, “one of the very best predictors for how any child turns out—in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success—is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them.”
That’s literally all it takes to help our children: to be present for them. To show them that they matter, they are loved, that we have their backs.
It’s not about how much we buy for them, how many extracurricular activities we enroll them in. It’s about creating connection. Quality of time spent together, not quantity.
When we’re honest with ourselves, when we tap into our inner wisdom, we discover that – beneath the inner critic, beneath the worry – there’s a happy, healthy, kind, responsible, generous, resilient, successful adult inside us.
Because at least one person showed up for us.
One person who saw us. Who made us feel seen and heard. Who made us feel safe.
Maybe it was a parent or another family member. Maybe it was a teacher, coach, or mentor.
Whoever it was for you, you can tap into this knowledge to encourage and inspire happiness and success in your own children.
Try this when your worry bubbles up:
Even though it may not feel great to worry, use your curiousity to dig a little deeper.
1) Keep your eyes open or closed, matching what feels safe for you.
2) Place your hand on your heart and take a few gentle breaths at your own rhythm. Don’t try to speed up or slow down your breath. Just let it flow in and out naturally.
3) Think about someone who showed up for you. Keep breathing as you spend a few quiet minutes thinking about or journal on this person.
- Who was it?
- What did they do for you?
- How did it make you feel?
- How does it make you feel to remember that experience?
4) When you’re ready, think about a time you showed up for your children, your partner, yourself, or someone else in your life from that place of love and service.
- What did you do?
- What was the response from the other person?
- How did it feel to experience that with them?
- What will it take to show up like this everyday?
5) When you’re ready, bring your attention back to your breathing and the feel of your hand on your chest. I like to add this simple mantra to finish: Peace Begins With Me. Repeat it as many times as feels right for you.
Open your eyes if they were closed.
Spoiler alert: in my experience, the more I thought about the people who showed up in my life, the more I realized that the things they did weren’t huge. They were small and simple actions, heart-felt and honest words.
And the more I realized that I do it every single day for my kids in small ways that I had taken for granted. This exercise really helped transform my mom guilt!
It doesn’t take a lot to make a difference in someone else’s life. It just takes being there and being YOU.
Showing up for someone else makes a difference regardless of age. Whether we’re 2, 11, 22, 44, or 104, we all want to know someone has our backs.
I have yours.
I believe in you. I believe that you are changing lives every day by being your unique self on this planet.
In peace,
