No, I didn’t swim to the Arctic (or Antarctic for that matter). I stayed right at home. This iceberg isn’t real, but a metaphorical one. And it’s an incredible one for parents!
Think about icebergs. Those massive chunks of ice floating majestically in the ocean. What we see is just the tip, right? Something like 95% of the iceberg is actually underwater.
The same is true about what drives our behaviors, right? What we see when our kids throw tantrums or fight with their siblings or do poorly on a test is only the tip of the iceberg. Underneath the surface lies this hidden world of thoughts and beliefs that support and shape the behavior.
A Personal Revelation
When my eldest son was going through the wild ride of seventh grade and puberty, he was getting super aggressive with his younger brother. It broke my heart to see them fighting, and I knew I needed to do something different.
When I first had my son’s human design chart read, my husband and I were told he may be prone to aggression. No, human design doesn’t determine a person’s behavior, but it can provide valuable insights into how their energy flows and interacts with the energy of other people. In the case of my son, he has what’s called a triple split definition. It means that certain parts of his energy are split into three separate pieces. And this can have an effect on how he feels and acts, making him more susceptible to heightened sensitivity or reactivity. And, in some cases – like with his brother – aggression.
Uncovering the Hidden Beliefs
Knowing that his aggression is a shadow, or challenge, innate in how his energy flows, it is so much easier for me not to take it personally. As a parent, it’s so hard to see your child erupt in unexpected anger. And it’s also hard to watch the impact of that behavior on your other child.
Balancing the needs of two unique souls who have different ways of interacting with the world is one of the biggest challenges for parents.
But, kids brains are still developing the prefrontal cortex – the area that controls higher functioning processes such as how to make smart decisions, solve problems, and plan ahead. This makes it even more important for us, as parents, to help them learn social and emotional intelligence.
We get to plant the seeds for them to understand what is going on in their bodies. And, while it can be an uncomfortable and messy and slow process, it is so worth it when you see it pay off!
I asked my son to tell me what was going on underneath his behavior.
“Hey, dude.” I said, “What’s going on?”
At first, he didn’t know how to put it into words. But I kept digging, gently asking questions, trying to understand his feelings. And then, it hit me – he had felt attacked and ignored by his brother. His brother’s actions tapped into a core fear of unworthiness and rejection.
As an older sibling, this pain hits straight to my wounded inner child as well.
A Heart-to-Heart Conversation
It was like discovering this treasure trove of emotions hidden away, causing him to lash out. But this revelation also gave us an opportunity – a chance to have a real heart-to-heart talk.
We explored his beliefs together, questioning whether they were really true. Did his brother genuinely not care about him? Did we? Or was there something else at play?
A Ripple Effect of Change
This moment of connection changed everything. He started to see things differently, realizing that his worth wasn’t defined by his brother’s actions. And it reinforced for us the importance of carving out 1-on-1 time with him so that he didn’t have to compete for our attention.
And you know what? It transformed his behavior! He became more aware of his value, his place in the family, and started handling things with newfound compassion.
Beyond Parent-Child Relationships
And it doesn’t stop there. This idea of the iceberg goes beyond just parent-child relationships. It has transformed how I interact with everyone – my husband, parents, friends, yoga students, even with strangers on the street. When we understand the thoughts and beliefs beneath the surface, it brings a deeper level of love, empathy, and understanding to our connections.
And I see the ripple effects, on a small scale, that I am creating when I am curious about what underlies the behavior, the iceberg, of people’s behavior. I take things less personally when I feel someone is lashing out at me. I feel more grounded. I am capable and willing to engage in deeper conversations. I even sleep better because I know that I’ve done what I can to understand the situation and respond the best way I know how.
I am also more compassionate with myself. I take time each day to check in with myself and look below the surface. How am I feeling? What thoughts and beliefs are bubbling under there? It’s one of the practices that has helped me stop yelling so much.
What about you? What is happening underneath your surface? Go ahead, get curious. And then get curious with your kids and see what changes.
