Parenting tough love: showing up when you’ve been triggered

Episode Transcript:

Hi. So I wanted to share today something that is really personal and difficult. So bear with me, this gets emotional, that I want to talk about some of the work that I’m doing around my own emotional wounds.

So one of the things that I’ve learned as a parent, one of the hardest, hardest things to come to terms with, was having a child who was not like me. A child whose personality is different, a child who communicates differently, who sees the world differently, who has different interests.

And for a really, really long time, it caused me a lot of pain. And, frankly, a lot of guilt.

Because I felt like, I’m his mom, I shouldn’t feel this way. And what damage am I doing to him for criticizing him or not liking him all the time?

What I’m learning, so two things.

One, if this is you know, that you are not alone. It is really hard. And it is okay. To feel the sadness and the grief, and the discomfort of knowing or feeling different than your child, feeling like you can’t connect on a level that you want to. And not knowing what to do about it. So it’s okay to sit with that discomfort.

And the second thing is that there are things you can do, there is help. And that help starts with helping yourself. Because the truth is, your kid is perfect just the way they are. Your kid is just not like you. And that doesn’t mean that you are not okay. And that doesn’t mean that your kid is not okay.

It just means that you are two different people. And sometimes we need to be hit over the head with reality, to bring ourselves to a point where we’re willing to change, to course correct or to do things differently. And there were a lot of people in my life, with personalities similar to my sons with interests, similar to my sons. And I would just kind of put on the blinders, right? Like, because like, I don’t really need to deal with these people. And I, you know, allowed myself to get closed off to them.

And what I’m learning is that the universe was like “you thought it was easy, hmm, that you could just like, close the doors, shut up, shut that shit down, right? Wwrap yourself up in a weighted blanket and ignore people like this who exist. I am going to one up you because I’m the universe and I am here to teach you. So I’m going to give you a child that you don’t want to reject and that you love, and that you want to take care of, and that you know is special. And I’m going to make that child trigger just those points of view that you need to work on. Because it’s not about your child, it is about you. And your child’s presence in your life is an opportunity for you to do the difficult work, to learn the lessons that you need to learn.”

And maybe that lesson is learning how to communicate in a different way.
Maybe that lesson is learning to like new things.
Maybe that lesson is learning how to set better boundaries or to empower instead of enable or to just simply accept that people exist who are not like you and that is okay?

And how wonderful is it, that every single one of us on this planet are here at this time in this moment, and each one of us fills a role. And the ways in which your child is different from you mean that your child will grow up to be an adult who will do things differently than you and will change the way the world works differently than you could change the world?

So the message becomes, what do I need to learn about me?

Not what do I need to teach my child so that he communicates better or so that her life is better, and I tend to say he because I have two boys. So it’s not not personal. If you don’t have boys, I’m trying to say he and her, they, whatever the pronoun is, that your child uses.

Maybe, maybe it’s not about you needing to teach them to be different, or to adapt to the world.
Maybe it’s about you learning how to accept yourself, and accept them, and to learn to work together to fill our independent, unique roles, right?

We’re each pieces of a puzzle in the history of human existence. And we are all important in filling that puzzle. And so the work that I’m doing now, which is so uncomfortable, and painful, tears, hours and hours of tears.

What I’ve learned is how to become more expansive in my self, how to be more accepting of myself, and how to see the things that I need to learn by parenting a child who is not the same as me, and is not here on this planet, to be a mini-me.

And it’s hard. Like I said, it doesn’t feel good. It is not an easy journey. And you are not alone on the journey. Almost every parent that I talked to, even if the one… even the ones that are so close with their children have moments like this. Where they’re just like, “Oh, why couldn’t she do this? Why couldn’t he do it this way? Like, doesn’t he know?”

It is not easy and you are not alone. And coming to work from that place of how great is it that I have a choice, each and every single day, to see my child through their own uniqueness, and to learn about myself, and to learn how I can show up differently.

Learn how I can break old patterns, and cycles and emotional wounds that the universe trusts me to change and has given me this child to be a mirror to reflect back to me the things that I need to change in myself.

It’s we have the ability to see it in a more hopeful light. We can choose to see it from wonderment and amazement and curiosity. Who is this person that is not like me and why? What are they here to do? How are they going to change the world? What are how can we work together?

It’s so much more empowering and it has helped me to feel like the weight is off my shoulders. It is not my role as a parent to only teach my child and mould him and shape him and protect him from the world.

It is also my privilege to learn from him and to become a better version of myself, because of him.

If this resonates with you, I’m glad. Because even though I’m saying you’re not alone, there’s a piece of me that’s like, “Hmm, maybe nobody will resonate with this and you’re alone, Marisa.”

But I know I’m not. And I know I’m not because I’ve talked with other parents, like I said, who I know are going through this.

And I’ve created a space where parents, like you, like me can come together and have these conversations and feel not alone. It’s called Playful Discipline. It’s a family mindfulness collective, six week group programme, where we will meet, and we will talk about these challenges. And we will learn tools that can help us communicate with our children more effectively, with our spouses more effectively, with other people in our lives more effectively.

And it’s a space where we will create a collective, a connection with other parents. And we will learn to connect with the values and the of our cells and, and the personalities of ourselves and our children. And what that amazing puzzle looks like when we put all of the pieces together.

If this is something that interests do, send me a DM I am happy to share some more information. I just know that parenting is the hardest, hardest job. And parenting is also a partnership. And when you can partner with your child, and you can feel supported by other parents. It becomes so much more fun to do that child so much more easy and joyful and calm.

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you soon.

Transcription by Otter.ai – Disclaimer: this is a referral link. I get extra minutes added to my account if you sign up for one yourself.

About this “playcast”:

Life is messy. Kids are messy. Parenting is messy!

But, messy can be good.

To paraphrase Mrs. Frizzle, it means you’re taking chances, making mistakes, and learning.

Creative Spirit, Playful Discipline is a mini-podcast – a playcast! – for parents who want to embrace their uniqueness, shatter the “shoulds”, and find a rallying cry for their families so they can create fun, magically messy memories to last a lifetime.